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http://www.kahealani.com/articles/love.html
Love is the only thing which is real; all else is illusion. Only love heals. You have the freedom and the power to choose love.
Some people, and some cultures, prioritize a non-companionate kind of relationship which is not founded upon any kind of love, but instead upon empire building:
Because these kinds of relationships / marriages are non-companionate in nature, there is a very strong motivation, and therefore typically a large cultural tolerance for, the addition of companionate relationships above / beyond / outside the marriage, and therefore we see these cultures have a lot of prostitution, mistresses, geisha, etc. providing what is lacking within the empiric marriage. While love may develop within an empiric relationship, it is not the priority, and therefor the relationships are more likely to be durable even beyond the loss of the presence of the loving element.
85% of relationships amongst humans on TerRa are based upon mutual needs fulfillment in the 3D world. Most seek relationships based in "Romantic" Love, they seek to fall in love with each other. The "fall" is a consequence of a combination of factors, primarily desire based:
A spiritually conscious loving couple will seek that their relationship serves to help them both rise in love. This is more to the nature of true love, which seeks to enhance, support, nurture the other person to succeed in their own choices. This is about a love which is giving. This should be a major goal for a healthy relationship.
You cannot simultaneously demand of another person that they be honest with you and that they obey your agenda for them. If you demand to control them, you give them incentive to lie in escaping your control, and if you demand honesty, then you must be open to hear the truth without negative reactions to what you hear because they are being honestly who they are rather than who you want to control them to be. If you do succeed in getting another person to submit to your control by the use of force, you have committed soul murder, the opposite of love. Force comes in two flavors: both the overt yang form, and the covert yin form of manipulation, deceit, lies. Each are equally hurtful and destructive to love and trust and to the soul. Only open honesty and acceptance of the other's right of free-will choice can be the foundation of trust and love.
All the world is illusion, the only reality being how you feel about your experience, and whether the experience you receive or cause is loving or hurtful. This means you can play any game you like as long as you play it honestly and nonhurtfully. "All the world is a stage, and all the people players" - Shakespeare. To cocreate and share lovingly merely requires finding someone who wants to play the same game you do.
If you were given absolute power over manifest reality, would you use it to have power over other people, or would you use it to empower other people? Do you seek dominance or dominion? Is it enough to have absolute control over your own body reality or do you seek to control others also, rather than allowing them the same free dominion you claim for yourself? How can you justify not giving to others what you demand from them? If you have the right to be free and not controlled by others, then so do they. Distance, separation, boundaries, privacy, are the keys to coexistence.
Healthy relationships are built on two foundations: Trust and Love.
Trust is the more fragile of the two, being easier to damage, and taking longer to heal. When You Find You Can Trust, Say Thank You: Make Love.
Love is beyond fear & manipulation. Love is giving, responding, respecting, commitment, intimacy, caring so that someone can feel secure, pleasure, vulnerable, trust, caring & intimacy, reduced fear of loss, and rejoicing in the presence in the present, experiencing and willing freedom.
Love is completely outside the realm of cause and effect, despite all our games, manipulations and strategies to create, possess, and maintain it. It is an aspect of the Divine, something we can not control.
Many of the games people play in relationships are to avoid pain, get love, get needs met.
Possessiveness in relationships comes from insecurities. Attempting to nail-down a relationship through commitment covers fear of abandonment.
The need to be special, to be the only one your partner chooses to mate with, covers a lack of self worth.
In our childhood relationships with our parents we are made to feel special. If we attempt to enter a mating relationship without fully maturing, we will seek to have our mate make us feel special the way our parents did. If we have not matured beyond the issue of our sexual attraction to our opposite sex parent, we may choose inappropriately a mate to substitute for that parent.
If we let go of the need for specialness, both to be special to others, and that we are only willing to mate with someone special, we can have real relationships with real people. When we are independent and self-sufficient, we can relate healthily with other healthy people.
Low Self Esteem creates insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, the need to be special, fear of abandonment, need for a special partner, need for partner to commit to you, need for partner to commit to be with you only. The Demon of Fear can only be overcome through Self Love.
We attempt to manipulate and control others by giving to them the power over our own emotional states with the claim that they make us happy or unhappy. This is a lie and therefore hurtful to both them and yourself.
Claim your sovereignty, that you alone are the creator of your reality, your perception thereof, and your states of feeling thereabout. Give up blame and punishment of others because they are in their sovereignty rather than being for you what you want or need them to be.
We have no right to define for another what is real, valid, important, meaningful or true. The only thing which is actually real for yourself is that we exist only in this moment, and contained within this moment are all possibilities, from which we choose which to make real and manifest, no matter how much we deny that choice and power.
Many people operate with very warped definitions of love. Our first responsibility to the health of yourself and the health of our relationships with others is to be harmless. You cannot live in a friendly loving world if you go around hurting others. We hurt another whenever we lie to them, covertly manipulate them, or overtly control them. Honesty is the only non-hurtful policy. We must accept others exactly the way they are, without judgment, giving them the right of sovereignty over their own lives, the absolute right of free-will choice over their own lives. We must have the humility to see them as new in every moment, to be willing to relate to the new person of that moment, rather than thinking we know them and relating to who we used to know them to be. Then we have achieved harmlessness. Beyond that we may understand them through knowing them, their choices, dreams, visions, hopes, will. We may love them by setting them free and encouraging and supporting them in manifesting with grace and ease and abundance that which they choose for their self, from their Self, not what we want them to choose. That they choose differently from us, or from our desires or needs, is to be expected and encouraged as their spiritual uniqueness and sovereignty... for how boring the world would be if we were all identical clones. Encourage them in manifesting their own choices, even when they choose what we do not like, for what we like is our own problem of judgment. If you love someone, set them free. Most are looking to find the perfect mate whom they will then possess... guaranteed to kill all possibility of love in the relationship between them.
Our relationships with others can only be as healthy as our relationship with our self. Until we have our own healthy self, how can we hope to co-create, to participate in, a healthy relationship whether with family, friends, or lovers? This has to be the first principle of healthy relationships, be healthy yourself. Regardless the intended or committed form of relationship, the actual relationship we will experience with anyone is automatically created from who each of us is in that moment. Selling yourself out to manipulate a specific relationship into a specific form, to maintain our attachment to getting what we want with a specific person, is the only alternative to selling them out, by attempting to change them to be what we want them to be. Each is destructive, anti-loving to one or both people. The only healthy alternative is being true to yourself and allowing the relationship to "float", to be undefined; a very scary proposition to anyone who has not yet healed childhood wounds and found their Self.
Until Death Do Us Part? Until Death of Past & Future Do Us Now Join.
Set your self and those you relate to, free of the past; do not pretend to know either yourself or them and then project your past perceptions of who you used to perceive you or them to be, upon who you each are now. It takes extra work to actually relate in the moment, be so willing.
Set your self and those you relate to free of the future, do not demand commitment to the future, for no matter how perfectly you choose what is appropriate from today's perspective, you demand non-growth, non-healing when you demand to control the future.
Set your self and those you relate to free of the present, of your expectations, needs, desires, commitment, and possessiveness.
Commit only that you will be true to your own heart and soul, and that you will openly and honestly communicate, reveal, expose that true self to others, that they may honor and respect your truth by supporting your right to be you, and your right to make your own choices for your own life, and that you will give them what you demand from them, free dominion.
If you love someone, set them free. You will be incapable of this until you love yourself enough to set yourself free.
In following the truth of your heart and soul, you may find yourself in a deep monogamous relationship with someone who is following the truth of their heart and soul, day after day, because your union is the soul truth, not because your personalities made dysfunctional commitments to each other about monogamy, about the future. You cannot have in this moment that which you are unwilling to not have in this moment or the next.
The issue of Parental Wound is created typically by the age of 18 months, when we have our first experience of true independence from our parents. When they realize that we have achieved independence, they usually react negatively, trying to keep us dependent upon them. Their reaction is either one of, or both of, two kinds of repression. In one form they exert external pressure upon us to repress our independence, and in the other they convince us to exert internal pressure upon our selves to repress our independence, by convincing us that we are wrong to be independent. In this process we conclude that:
These wounds are sex and gender based, depending on both our own sex and the sex of the parent creating the wound; (for brevity we address the majority case of heterosexual orientation). In classical Psychology, these correlate with the Oedipal Complex and the Electra Complex; the desire to have the same kind of relationship with the opposite sex parent as the same sex parent has with them. Ultimately, we receive wounds from both parents, with the deeper wounds buried under the easier to deal with wound, which itself may be something we avoid dealing with for most of our lives. It is a major point of choice of partners until we are finally willing to confront the pain of these wounds, transmuting our relationship up from the level of partner choice to avoid the wound, up to a choice of partner to help us heal these wounds, someone who is also willing to confront their own wounds. Once the wounds are healed, then we may finally chose an appropriate partner for a spiritually based soulful relationship based upon cocreation and play.
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© Sat Oct 4 13:34:45 HST 2008 Angela_Kahealani: Clairvoyant Psychic Reader, Healer and Counselor, consults at 1(808)822-5272; Teaches Meditation, Clairvoyance, Kundalini; and presents educational Articles. Terms of Service.