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Surrender to Union

"For success, like happiness, can not be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself, or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself." - Viktor Frankl

I see the following scenario as what commonly happens in relationships:

One loves another. They express their love to the other. They give to the other more love than the other believes they deserve and enough intimacy that their ego feels threatened. They then must either expand their level of deservingness (the ego lie which blocks willingness to receive), or they must pay more in order to receive more. Payment may take the form of self punishment (pleasure / pain exchange), of service (to the good of all or to the good of some few, e.g. their mate). Failing these, they must create space away from the love they're being given (stop receiving) in order to not be compelled to either give in return or suffer in payment.

This game works in both directions. Either one of the parties maxes out and begins sabotaging the love relationship in order to not feel obligated to give (in payment for deserving what they're receiving), or both parties keep trying to give more (serve the other) to deserve what they're receiving, and one or both begin to block receiving while still trying to give (an impossible situation, as they can only give or receive when open... they cannot open to give real love without also opening to receive it). In this latter case they may begin to lie to theirself that they're giving more than they're receiving and see the other person as a taker, when in fact they are not actually giving and they not receiving, as neither giving nor receiving can happen in either direction as soon as one or both close down.

There is another insidious lie which develops here... that which is given, out of the need to give in order to deserve what is being received, is not a gift freely given from love but a manipulation, and therefore there is neither giving, nor loving.

Since it is fairly unlikely that any two people will have identical levels of deservingness, it is very likely that one of a pair will usually be the first to max out and create the space between the pair which will then block the exchange of love, rather than allowing the union between the pair. This will leave one person feeling engulfed and undeserving while the other feels abandoned and frustrated. The least deserving one will feel inadequate due to inability to give enough to deserve what they're getting, and the more deserving one will feel frustrated due to inability to complete the union to their desired level of intimacy and sharing.

Ultimately, for divine union to manifest, each partner must be willing to receive unconditionally and totally the other person as they are, and to receive totally all of the love the other person gives... this amounts to transcendence beyond the ego lie of deservingness. I observe that the central issue of deservingness is self love... They will not allow someone else to love them more than they love themself. They will not allow someone else to accept them more than their self acceptance. Only through true self love can the ego game of deservingness be transcended. Only during the times of no ego involvement can a couple truly share a divine spiritual union. When both totally trust and surrender to each other, and both totally open up to receive each other, then true pure love can be both given and received. There is no space for fear or anger, past or future in the eternal and blissful moment of openness. It all comes down to the openness of the heart chakra. Close it to shut out feared hurt or pain in the future, or to remember the pain of the past in order to not repeat that pain, and they are closed to their own self love, to the love of others, and closed to the possibility of actually loving someone else. They are either open to connection with the void/totality which is the central essence of each and every one of us, or they are closed to that, even within theirself. They cannot close down just to one other person, e.g. out of fear that they will hurt them... for as soon as they begin to close to them, they close to everything and everyone, including their own Self.

This then is the long-term process each partner must engage in, overcoming their limitations of deservingness... truly becoming willing to receive a gift. Until such time as this occurs, each partner who is stuck in the deservingness game with their own ego must find a way to pay for what they're receiving from their partner:

By trying to give to the good of all through service, the practice of boddicita, as in the service of teaching and healing.
By trying to give back to their partner enough to deserve what they receive from their partner. This may fail when the individual becomes exhausted trying to compete with the infinite givingness of unconditional source working through their partner who has become an open channel of abundance. Total surrender into service of their partner for some period of time may greatly serve this process, e.g. being the submissive slave. This should especially work well for the person of the couple who first reaches their limits of deservingness, while the dominant master proceeds to receive service without needing to pay for it, up to their limits of deservingness. Here we see the foundation of Dominant/Submissive relationships.
By trying to balance the pleasure received by pain received, either from the partner or from self. This may manifest as sabotage of the relationship, of the loving process, e.g. pushing the partners buttons to make them angry rather than loving, simultaneously reduces the love needing to be paid for and produces the pain which pays for the love already received. Alternately the pain may manifest in the form of a sado/maso relationship, where the pain is clearly and cleanly given and acknowledged for what it is rather than covertly manipulated as in the sabotage just mentioned. Alternately the pain may be self inflicted, e.g. by "accidents".

Until the ego game of deservingness is transcended , there must be found some non-destructive-to-the-relationship form of paying for the love received from their partner. Overt acknowledgement of this game would seem to be helpful, and since the time of greatest love exchange will be in sexual union, that is probably also the most appropriate time to also exchange the pain or service with which one pays for the pleasure received. Thus there is every reason to understand that B&D and S&M practices are simply a manifestation of the deservingness game, in order to make the payments of deservingness required for the couple to at other times allow themselves the divine abundance of Tantrik union.

Sabotaging the relationship to the point where the partners part ways is the ultimate failure to be willing to receive love, the ultimate expression of lack of deservingness. This is no doubt facilitated when the other partner refuses to stop loving. Ultimately a broken relationship translates as at least one partner having manifested: "I'd rather have none of your love than to be loved so much" or "If you won't love me less, I'll stop you from loving me at all". Of course, the leaving partner cannot allow themself to see this truth, so they will usually mask it with something of the form: "I am leaving you because you refuse to stop being angry with me", where the anger had been instigated by them to try to get their partner to love them a bit less, but the partner had chosen to either love fully in the absence of sabotage or be angry in response to sabotage, rather than being less open and loving all the time, so that sabotage would cease. Some of the giving may have been motivated by the need to pay for what was received, to deal with deservingness levels. It is also clear that the "gifts" given for this reason are impure, are not the same as love freely given. Because these can become easy to confuse with each other, this process eventually taints the actual love given. I also question whether service to the good of all in order to deserve can remain pure. As long as the issue of deservingness exists in either partner, there can be no purity except in pleasure pain exchange, whereby all giving is purely motivated, and what is received is the appropriate mixture of pain and pleasure.

I observe that the central issue of deservingness is self love ... We will not allow someone else to love us more than we love ourself. We will not allow someone else to accept us more than our self acceptance. Only through true self love can the ego game of deservingness be transcended. Only during the times of no ego involvement can a couple truly share a divine spiritual union. When both totally trust and surrender to each other, and both totally open up to receive each other, then true pure love can be both given and received.

Once both partners have transcended the deservingness game, and are simply willing to receive, and to give, without expectations, then there may be truly a shared space of divine bliss.

© Mon Nov 28 08:00:00 HST 2006 Angela_Kahealani: Clairvoyant Psychic Reader, Healer and Counselor, consults at 1(808)822-5272; Teaches Meditation, Clairvoyance, Kundalini; and presents educational Articles. Terms of Service.